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Post by Sven De Ruyter on Feb 17, 2012 22:57:44 GMT -5
Mon cher agenda,
My previous journal has been filled up, so I am writing in this one for now. The old one as been locked up in the same locked box as the others. For the first time ever, I am writing my journal in English, instead of French. This is because I communicate with Afonso almost completely in English. I could communicate with him in French, as he actually does speak the language, but his accent is so distracting! He speaks well, but his accent is very different than the Parisian, Dutch, Belgian, and even Luxembourgish accents that I have heard. It is easier to express myself in French, but it isn't Afonso's first language. I also think it saves us some trouble to have to the both some trouble by having us on the same level of language skill.
I actually haven't had as much time to write lately. In some ways, that is a good thing. I've been distracted by Afonso and work. I have even decided to temporarily drop out of school, so that I can focus on working. Afonso seems pleased with this choice, though I am very regretful. I plan to stay out of school for only a semester, until I am able handle the work load. At the Fashion Week, I received plenty of offers for new modeling contracts, including offers for an American, German, and Japanese agency. I am very happy about this. I think I am becoming a more recognized model. My agent even gave me a fan letter the other day! I replied, of course, but I was very nervous. I wonder what people see in me. I have been told a have a very nice face, so that might be what it is.
I have been gaining weight since I have been living with Afonso, as he has expressly forbid me from purging. I wouldn't mind much, but that makes things harder. I sometimes worry about his intentions. He always tells me he loves me, and I appreciate that very much. I am very grateful for his willingness to forgive me for everything. I love him so much. What I am worried about is the fact that he seems to have absolutely no interest in me sexually. Every time he takes articles of my clothing off, his interest seems to just disappear. At first I thought he was just naive, or unfamiliar with homosexual love, but I did teach him something. While I don't expect much from him, as he seems to be something of a prude with very limited interest in this area, I grow more and more worried every time we interact like this. I don't believe that he finds me attractive in that way, though I'm now fairly certain he finds men at least remotely attractive. He doesn't pay much attention anyone, actually. I can't say that I'm exactly happy with the complete lack of sex in our relationship, but I can live with that. What does worry me is that I'm not appealing to him. I wish he would tell me more about his previous relations, no matter how brief, so that maybe I could grasp at what sort of person he prefers. I want him to want me.
I have only just noticed that he has very different thoughts on personal space than I do, so I have been trying to give him a bit more physical space. I don't know how to feel about it, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
I've started a new diet. I'll be eating 500 calories a day. It isn't a huge change from the diet I was on previously, but it will hopefully trim me down a bit. I think it will be be better than the purging, but it requires more self control.
I've been unhappy lately. I am to blame for what happened with Antonio, and I regret it completely. I am so incredibly pathetic.
I don't think Lars will ever care about me now.
I don't think Afonso will trust me completely again. I have been trying to make him happy, but I get distracted with my own stupid wants.
Antonio was crying the last time I saw him, because I was keeping my distance. I don't think there is any good way to make anyone happy.
Sven
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Post by Sven De Ruyter on Mar 5, 2012 22:29:15 GMT -5
Mon cher agenda,
This last few weeks have been incredibly kind to me. Afonso and I have finally made love. It certainly didn't go as I had expected, but I am very glad that it happened. Since then, we have been much closer I think, and we've had more and more erotic encounters. We haven't had full out sex since then, but I feel much better about getting close to him. I think he and I have very different understandings of what sex means anyway.
Perhaps the most important part of the last few weeks, even more important than sex, yes, is that we have adopted a puppy. Her name is Gaufres. Afonso had wanted to name her Waffles but I insisted on a more dignified name (yes it still means Waffles), and she is a German Shepard puppy. Afonso fell in love with her at first sight, and I can hardly blame him. She is unbelievably sweet and affectionate. I think of her as my own child, as she is unendingly loving and doesn't seem to care much what I do. Nothing I can say or do or eat or anything will stop her from loving me. Afonso gets upset about this, but I enjoy feeding her sandwiches. I always eat the other half so she doesn't get fat, and she really seems to love sandwiches. Afonso said I'm not allowed to feed her pudding anymore. I don't mind denying her pudding if I can keep sneaking her pieces of chicken when Afonso isn't looking. I love her entirely. She provides comfort and understanding when Afonso can't. I don't think I need to talk to Mathias or Antonio about the things that bother me as much anymore. I have another friend now, and I am very happy with her.
On that note, things are still incredibly strained with Antonio, Lars, and myself. I don't really know how to fix it, but am starting to think that it would be best just to leave it alone. Antonio still gives me those looks, and Lars and I can almost fight normally, though I can't really tell if he means what he says or is just playing. It seems like the things he says lately have more of a bite than usual. I can't really bring myself to be close to Antonio again, even if Afonso says it's alright. I'm sure Lars wouldn't appreciate me talking to Antonio on my own, and I don't feel entirely comfortable with it either. I wouldn't dare try anything again, but I feel very unworthy of his friendship now. Afonso wants to have them over for dinner, and I am very much against it. I have a terrible feeling that the occasion will end with in a hospital room, and I can't really say that I am interested in that. I want to be friends with Antonio again, and for Lars to not hate me, but I don't think a dinner will fix anything. I'd rather spend my life alone with Afonso and Gaufres than mess thing up anymore. It's too much heartache for me.
I think that's all for now.
Sven
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Post by Sven De Ruyter on Mar 12, 2012 21:01:23 GMT -5
Mon cher agenda, Tomorrow I am flying to Tokyo for a long shoot. We'll be doing at least three while I'm there, which luckily leaves me a few days to wander around the city. I've been there before for a previous shoot, and for some reason, the Japanese really like me. I think it is because they have so many effeminate men (at least, as far as I have seen). I'm sure I look like one of the men in their comic books or something. In any case, I'm happy to go. It's a very clean city, and even if there isn't much wilderness around, I can appreciate the the lively night scene. Since we don't have any time to catch up on sleep and get over the jet lag, we spend most nights out and sleep during the day. The clubs are always active, there are many restaurants open late, and there are scores of shops filled with strange things for us to probe. I did promise to buy Afonso things while I am away, so I should have enough time to visit all the shops and pick out something good. Oh, and a naughty magazine for Mathias. I might get one for Afonso too, as a joke.
On that note, I've actually been making a lot of money. A lot of money. I have been making significantly more money on shoots and shows than I used to, which is not to say that I've become famous or anything, but some people do recognize me. With that, I've been investing very well. I might not be in school now, but I did learn a lot about managing money, which I've always been good at, and I've been raking in money. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with it, so I just invest it and make more money. I suppose I could use it to buy clothing or something, but right now, it seems best to just try to make as much as possible, in case something happens to either Afonso or myself, or to Antonio or Lars. Lars is good with money too, but he doesn't have a solid income, so it's hard to say when he might be in a bind. Afonso seemed surprised when I proposed a car, but it's not entirely out of our reach. I could throw down money right now and buy one, but he is right about the insurance and gas and all. I'd rather not dig into the emergency stash just yet.
That reminds me, Afonso and I have recently been fighting. I wonder if this is what they mean by the end of the honeymoon stage. I am very frustrated with the fact that he doesn't seem to be particularly proud of his orientation. We discussed this a bit, after I embarrassingly threw a fit (the only person I can think of that I have dated who was not completely proud of his orientation was the literature teacher all those years ago), and I think I understand him a bit more. I actually spoke to Mathias about this, and he distinctly told me not to pressure him about it, so I won't. For someone who seems largely unintelligent, or at least acts as such, Mathias has very practical advice.
I recently went to Lars' house to introduce him to Gaufres, but was awkwardly left with Antonio while we waited for him to come home. He was as welcoming as ever, even if I was nervous about the situation. Nothing in particular happened while we were alone though, which is very good. He made us pancakes and sandwiches, which we happily split while we waited. Unfortunately, once Lars finally did arrive, Gaufres peed on his feet. I'm amazed he didn't throw us out. I think Antonio talked to him or something. I very much miss his close friendship.
I haven't really thought much about my weight lately, which is probably a bad thing. I've been eating so much, since I don't want Gaufres to become fat. Afonso insists she's getting chubby, but I don't see it. She looks very cute the way she is. However, I do think that I am gaining weight. Afonso carried me to the couch this evening and seemed to have some trouble. This is a very bad sign. While I'm in Tokyo, I should probably start up with the dieting again. I'd purge, which would probably be easier and speed things up, but I'd feel guilty lying to Afonso. I have already betrayed his trust once in recent memory, and I have no desire to do it again. He doesn't deserve that. I hope he takes care of himself while I'm gone, and maybe the memory of my recent mistakes will become a bit softer in his mind.
I have just promised Mathias I'll take him to Luxembourg with me this summer. This might be a bad idea, as I'm starting to get the feeling Afonso doesn't trust me around other men at all anymore. If anything, I'll have to bring him with, and then perhaps Lars and Antonio...I just want to have a nice visit to the place I was born, like I did when I was younger. I don't really want Afonso to know this, but French isn't entirely my first language. I think my first word was actually Luxembourgish, since I went to a daycare there when I was young. No one else I know, except my mother, whose Luxembourgish is terrible, speaks the language, so I usually just write it off. I think mostly in French, but when I get tired, that old language works its way into my mind. Some time, I would like to show Afonso where I am really from, and not just where I would like to think I am from. I think he would enjoy it a lot, actually.
I miss my sister and my mother. I don't think I ever expected to be settling down like this so soon in my life. I don't regret it really, because I love Afonso and I don't want anyone else. However, now that I've dropped out of school, it seems more like we're turning into one of those working couples, like Lars and Antonio are now.
I miss Antonio. I shouldn't have fallen for him at that first look he gave me, knowing that he was in love with Lars. He would have been a good person to talk to lately, or even Lars would have been good. I still love Antonio like family, but I don't really deserve to be forgiven for what I did. I feel terrible every time I think about it. I don't think I'm isolating myself, but I only really talk to Afonso and Mathias anymore. I haven't spoken to my sister in days, because I don't want to explain this to her. Maybe she would understand, but I don't want her to think I am scum.
I hope I remember to take this with me before I get on the plane...I'm so tired right now, I can't keep my eyes open.
Sven
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Post by Sven De Ruyter on Mar 25, 2012 23:06:57 GMT -5
Mon cher agenda,
This has been a terribly stressful week. I could die from the strain of it all. I don't even know where to start. I suppose the most important thing that has happened is that I collapsed earlier this week. I seem to have been walking down the stairs of a bar downtown, though I don't remember it well, and fainted as I was going. Luckily someone found me pretty quickly and I was taken to the hospital. They'd only just hooked me up to the IVs when I woke up. I'm embarrassed to say that the first thing I did was tear out those damned tubes. I remember being terrified. I didn't know what they were doing to me, and my head hurt and everything was sore, and my stomach was eating itself, and I was just...so scared. I think they drugged me after that because I dozed off for a bit, and when I came to, I had a hard time doing much of anything when Lars visited. I was terrified at how angry he was at first, but he asked me an important question. Is this what I want? I don't want to worry about things like weight all of the time. I don't want to purge, or not eat anything at all, and I really don't want to faint like this again. It was painful, for my body as well as my heart at seeing all of these people I care about after the accident. Lars was angry at first, but he actually...cried for me. He was very devoted to keeping me in the bed and happy and healthy. I didn't expect that. Antonio came to visit, and I couldn't bring myself to continue feeling guilty about before. I was just so happy to see him that I embraced him immediately. I think that some good things did come out of this accident, including a chance to repair my relationship with Antonio. I have high hopes that we will continue to be good friends in the future. I have missed him greatly.
The events that lead up to my hospitalization were a bit of a mystery for some time, actually. I had just returned from Japan, and Afonso and I were exchanging some pent up affections. We seemed on the brink of having sex, but Afonso suddenly pulled away and it was over. He said simply that he wasn't feeling it. I was devastated and heartbroken. I never wanted to hear that. I thought for sure he did not find me attractive at all, and he couldn't force himself to make love to me. That is something I fear. It's one of my biggest fears. I work so hard to stay fit and thin, and if Afonso couldn't find me attractive then, there wouldn't be anything else I could do. I just wanted to leave the situation, so I fled to the bathroom and slept in the tub. Afonso eventually carried me back to bed, or so I assume, because I woke up in the bed after he'd gone to work. I was more relaxed the next day, and extremely embarrassed that I'd thrown a fit again. I keep breaking my promise to Afonso, that we wouldn't fight anymore. I was so heartbroken that I only thought about my own feelings and didn't consider the impact on him. After I was released from the hospital, Afonso was more loving than ever. He was very determined to make me feel loved and wanted. I feel a bit guilty about it. He's been trying so hard these last couple of days, so it's very clear to me that he was greatly affected by this all.
Afonso and I spoke today, and I think we're going to be alright now. He explained what caused him to lose interest (my whining and begging, of all things! I've never met a man who didn't like it. I only did it because I was told it was sexy anyway, so it's not a huge loss), and I asked him to be more gentle with his denials. I told him that I needed him there to be strong for me. He said he doesn't care if I am thin or sexy, he thinks I am beautiful. I want to cry just thinking about it. He's made me very happy. It's my job to make him equally happy. I think we now finally have and understanding. I won't try so hard with the sex, and I'll try to bear in mind his opinions of me. A huge burden is off of my chest. I finally feel like I can understand his love for me, and I hope me can understand mine for him. Even though my body still aches from the accident, I feel happier. Everything seems so raw and new.
I am going to get better.
I am going to gain weight.
I will not faint again, or purge.
I will eat properly.
I will continue to love Afonso with my whole heart.
I will overcome my struggles, and I will be happy and healthy in my life with Afonso.
I love that man so much. I want to live and stay with him.
Sven
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Post by Sven De Ruyter on Apr 15, 2012 11:55:31 GMT -5
Mon cher agenda,
I have been very happy lately. Ever since I got out of the hospital, things have been going very well for Afonso and I. We don't really fight as much anymore, which I think it s a good thing. They say that normal couples fight a lot, but I don't think they meant it the way Afonso and I did. However, now things seem to be going well enough. I've been able to go to work with him several times in the last few weeks, and even though he was mad that I brought Gaufres with me, I think it was good for us to spend more time together.
I have been eating a lot more lately. I have been trying very hard to keep on track with the diet plan my doctor advised, and have been eating really fattening foods. I used to share my meals with Gaufres, but she's really too fat for this now, and Afonso insists that feed her mostly dog food from now on and walk her more. I don't want her to die because I made her fat, so I'm going to listen to him. I've been feeling very fat too. Afonso seems happy with my progress, and is very supportive of me eating all of these heavy foods, and we've been intimate more often lately. I think he likes it a lot. However, I try very hard not to look at myself. This new diet isn't something I would do for myself ever, but it makes Afonso happy, and the doctor says it's healthy...If Afonso prefers this, I'll be happy to gain weight, but I won't ever see myself the way he does. I'm very nervous about my new modeling job that's coming up. I haven't weighed this much in a long time. and never while I was working. I know they're going to pinch me and tell me to pay attention to this or that, my thighs, my stomach, anything that isn't perfect. I don't want to model without Afonso there with me.
On a completely different note, Lars and Antonio are making preparations for their wedding. I am very excited for them, and hope that Antonio can turn Lars into a better man. I worry about those two a lot, but there isn't much I can do. Lars won't really let me take part in the wedding. I've been invited, sure. I paid for his suit too. However, I have been trying to help with other things, and it seems his mother has it taken care of. Mathias is his best man. Since there doesn't seem to be room for me to help out, I have been giving them money instead. I put money in each of their journals after looking through Lars' sketchbook, as I often do, and learning that he was struggling to pull together the finances for his big day. I still don't know if Lars is just an asshole, or if he can't bring himself to actually like me. I know he cares about me, he demonstrated that at the hospital, so that's improvement. I just don't think he really like anyone, except his mother, Antonio, and Mathias. We've been getting along alright lately though, so I shouldn't complain. We went to the bar the other day, and it was only a little awkward.
Afonso and I have been having sex more often lately. It's amazing.
Sven
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